the other night, i was asked the question, “do you feel like you are needed there?” i quickly recalled one of my most favorite quotes, upon discovery:
“a missioner goes where he [she] is needed but not wanted, and leaves when he [she] is wanted but not needed.” – bishop james e. walsh
it took me a couple of hesitant breaths to respond, and then i said, “no, i actually don’t.” i think that was a really tough reality for me.
over the past couple of days, i spent some time in reflection about WHY that was…crystal, do you really feel like you are not needed there? each morning, i spent lots of time in the pews of the cathedral questioning, and asking God, “really? why am i here? please help me get through this day.” but to be honest, i think the grace in all this, is that, there has never been one moment where i really felt like i was NOT supposed to be here – as in, there has never been a moment where i really doubted the call that i received to be missioned here.
i think, if anything, i’m just trying to figure it out. now.
i came to the conclusion that i KNOW that i am needed here, but not in the sense that i am here to accomplish a specific task and/or pat myself on my back at the end of the day for being a “savior” to baguio city, cause we all know that that is not the case, at all. if anything though, i feel so strongly that God has placed me here, and i KNOW that God has brought me here and Mother Cabrini is keeping me here for now, for a reason. there’s something there. something here. so while i do not necessarily FEEL like i am needed here, i have recently received a huge wave of “just be patient…” and a lot of hope, and i feel a revolution coming…of the heart, if you will.
the other day, i busted out my cabrini mission corps binder, filled with amazing articles, SUCH helpful spiritual resources – basically it’s like the Bible of CMC. i felt like i needed some “umph” to get me going once again, and to not start crawling on the floor in despair (yeah, super dramatic. i was very far from that actually happening, but you get my drift.), and i recalled all of the trials that Mother Cabrini went through – read some of her words…like, ALL of the trials, and then i reflected on how jesus was shunned, misunderstood, and endured all of his struggles. and then the other evening at mass, the homily was about how the “christian life is not a path of roses,” but instead, we can think of it as a “bed of roses.” i thought about that, and i felt re-energized.
while mission can be discouraging because of the transitions going on internally, the struggling with the new environment – the culture, the people, the way of life, and the enormity and severity of some of the injustices i see around me, mission at the same time is so empowering and hopeful. like, i can not even explain to you how blessed i feel, to be a part of it. like, wholeheartedly, with my whole self. can i really trust that God has provided me all and even more than what i need for this present moment? well, well, well, isn’t THAT the challenge. in some ways, yeah, that’s REALLY difficult. BUT, i have come to realize that THAT is truth – even in times when doubt may try to win me over.
i feel like i am right where i should be, and no, i may not feel like i am needed…quite YET, but with the wisdom of some of the most inspiring sisters that have become my family here, i am reminded, “no, not yet.” YET. and that’s a big YET. and that’s a big hope right there. and in that, i think it was also just really affirming to feel understood. it is funny how all i have to say is, “oh, sister…” and they already know. really, sisters are helpful, wonderful, grace-filled people. haha 🙂
Mother Cabrini is among us here in baguio city, and i am certain that while i observe the changes that i feel need to happen externally in my surroundings, i am so certain that there is an even stronger revitalization and revolution going on in my heart. while it is sometimes super uncomfortable, those sometimes are worth it, if it means making me a better person in carrying out the mission i have been called to.
ok, so, let’s do this. together. 🙂
give me your eyes for just one second, give me your eyes so i can see, everything that i’ve been missing…