…He’s not done with me yet.

…He’s not done with me yet.

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Christ Has No Body – St. Teresa of Avila

Christ has no body but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
Compassion on this world,
Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good,
Yours are the hands, with which he blesses all the world.
Yours are the hands, yours are the feet,
Yours are the eyes, you are his body.
Christ has no body now but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
compassion on this world.
Christ has no body now on earth but yours.

again, this song/quote by st. teresa of avila has resonated in my mind and every time i read it, i think about my orientation with response ability, but also, i think about the beautiful words that they are.

this weekend, mary, michelle, and i attended a discernment retreat centered around the simple yet so complex question, what are you doing with your life? up in garrison, ny, we gathered with about 32 other volunteers from the new york area and we talked: discernment. all at varying degrees on our journeying of grasping and coming to understand what discernment is and what it means to each one of us, it was a very beautiful weekend. i have to say, it definitely came at a wonderful time for me. it centered me, it brought me back to what i am doing, and to what i am living, it gave me a chance to slow down, to sit back, to pray, to reflect, to meditate, to sit with jesus, to enjoy jesus, to be refilled with true, authentic joy, to love, to re-energize.

this weekend was unlike any of the other retreats i have been on…mostly because we had a large chunk of time to do what we wanted, but that time was meant to be for prayer/reflection/silence and solitude. while other retreats usually also give free time, it is not usually in the context of intended time set aside for discernment. i’m currently reading ‘my life with the saints’ by james martin, sj, and this book is really quite amazing. it is wonderful to hear the stories of the saints and to see what reflections father jim has to say about a select number of them. all i know is that the jesuits are awesome. i would have really liked to have met st. ignatius of loyola. what a story and what a spirit that man had. such an inspiration.

i am re-ignited with the charge of mission and with the true sense of what that means. so good. new york is quite the city. everyday…my love for spoken word is increasing, my passion for yoga is leaving my body sore, my patience is still being worked on, my flexibility is starting to make itself known…it is just really crazy to think that we are already halfway through this year. this life that i am leading, it is so good, it is so blessed, and i can say that this is where God wants me to be. what a joy that is in and of itself..there’s no sense in forcing anything or making myself believe anything, because where i am is where my heart lies, and being able to recognize that and be aware of that, is well, pretty dang amazing to me.

i tend to be someone who freaks out a lot, but by the graces in peace that i feel that i have received, i know that God has already gone before me…be not afraid, i go before you always, come follow me…what a peace that is! i talk to my spiritual director about that pretty much every time we meet (weekly), and the feeling of confidence in that, continually illuminates my experience and my walk with God. what peace and joy that brings to me, to know that, i can do everything through Christ who strengthens me (phil 4:13)…why? because everything that i am fearful to attempt, everything that i want to do, but feel incapable of doing…well, God has already gone before me, and in everything i endure and experience, i truly believe that He is at my side guiding the way, whatever the outcome. esp. for God’s greater glory…wow. there is peace there, and there is a genuine goodness in that. obvs.

sometimes i surprise myself and alarm myself from my perspectives, but what it comes down to, is, this is me. this is my authentic self. i don’t really relent for anyone because i feel like that compromises my values, and if it does so in a negative way, then that is really not going to help me sleep at night. i was reflecting this weekend on how i really had the ability to just up and quit my career at a well-to-do corporate america job. it came down to me realizing my heart was not in my work. it came down to me realizing there was something deeper stirring in my heart. there was a strong conviction – something that came from deep within…a feeling, and a confidence in trusting that.

i recall the moments i would be sitting with my friend mike, talking to him about how fearful i was for my trip to the philippines in april – i told him…something is waiting for me there, something is going to happen…i’m nervous, but it’s good, but i am so scared for what is to happen…and sure enough, little did i know that my trip to the philippines in april would set the stage for my decision to serve with my whole being as a missioner with cabrini mission corps in june.

it is that feeling, and it was those moments of waking up everyday with the sun shining in my face under my orange covers, getting up and praying my cabrini novena and my miraculous medal novena as i was seeking guidance that helped lead me to new york. it was the dreadful feeling of, is there something better out there waiting for me? is there something else that i am being “called” to? yes, so bizarre, that word, “call,” but that’s truly what it is/was, and truly, it was this feeling that i had in my being…it’s a feeling i still have in my heart, and it is so much a part of me, that i can not separate myself from it, even if i tried – but i don’t know why i would want to do that!

the journey here, however, does come with sacrifice…leaving my family, home and best friends, losing the young adult community at st. monica’s is pretty unfortunate, and being oh so far…but there is still trust. trust in that, i am actually ok out here in terms of community, and me leaving was probably for the best. actually, it is a little “letting go” compared to what i am doing here in new york, and for that, i am grateful for the strength to get on the plane and pack my life into two large suitcases.

there’s still more to come, and that, THAT makes me excited for my life, even more. pinch me. is this real? yes, it is. this. is. my. life. my beautiful, blessed, wonderful, life. and for that, i am grateful. let my gratitude seep out of my pores and into your ears. so real.

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