if not you, who? excuse me while i externally process the past month.

if not you, who? excuse me while i externally process the past month.

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…and i’m back.

i apologize for the delay in updating you all with the life of that which i am living here in new york, so here it goes. in an attempt to be vulnerable, and lay it out, i will do the best i can. i don’t know who reads this, i don’t know who will see it, but if you for some God-sent reason get brought to this page, on this day, i hope and pray that it provides you with some insight into what i have learned since my last post. that you will laugh, and probably question some of the things i write about. where to begin…and so i go:

where have i been? crystal, what have you been doing? that is a great question. coming back from winter break vacation, a couple of things stick out to me, namely, being home has never been so sweet, the sun has never looked more brighter and beautiful, the skies have never been bluer, the cousins have never been funnier, LA has never been so wonderful and alive, driving down santa monica blvd has never felt more natural, and my excitement was not so shockingly over the top when seeing my friends from st. monica’s – i think i jumped on every familiar face i saw.

there was a particular moment when i was driving with my mom down to st. monica’s and the sun could not have shined more beautiful as i was driving down wilshire. i remember looking at the familiar cabo and south, and yes, even holly’s, and thought to myself…wow…i remember walking these streets, the nights, and the weather, wow. and almost instantaneously, i also felt a peace in the sense that, it was time for me to move on, which is why God sent me somewhere else. and there is peace there, so that was a marvelous moment to experience.

i spent some great one on one time with some of my mentors in santa monica, and thank God for that. one of the angels in my life told me that there was a newness of peace that she felt with me, and that spoke volumes to me. she also said that i’m exactly the same, except more touchy – which is the sisters’ touch. i loved that! my spiritual director was really happy for me when i shared that bit about peace with her, coming back from vacation. my bf, gp, told me that she could picture me saying…”these are allll my children.” yeah, that has definitely not left my mind. it’s all part of the discernment. everything. every. moment.

it’s still hard leaving home, and getting back on the plane made me think about the next time i would be coming home, and the next time i would be going on a plane to go somewhere else, to my next mission…to the next place where God sends me. shockingly enough, but not shocking at the same time, i am ok with this moving around stuff, and this temporary placement…perhaps it is because i am young and i feel that i truly do want to experience all that i can [God-willing] – which is where the openness comes in. i think the difficult part is in the question of stability. so there’s the temporary home, there’s the, gotta be present at the same time part..and then there’s the realization that, well, when you know you are going to be somewhere for a short period of time, how does that affect the decisions you [i] make? oh goodness…the uncertainty and beauty in it all. transient. that’s me.

relationships are important to me. as an 8 [enneagram. look it up.], my blessing, which can also most certainly be a vice, is control. apparently, i like it and am constantly drawn to it. i’m that person who will say what i think, straight from my gut, and 10 seconds later, after saying what i thought, internally process and yell at myself in my brain for saying what i said incorrectly or out of line…perhaps if i had more heart and/or head qualities, then it wouldn’t be such an unfortunate aftermath for me. on the flip side, i get over things quickly. i’ll get mad, then 10 seconds later, get over it. like, for real. which usually calls for a, “sorry girl, i had to let it out. but i’m good now. let’s dance!” but, back to my point, with control, it’s very much related to affection, and here i am in the midst of trying to uncover my love language. no, not just in romantic relationships, but in life. how do i show people that i care for them? here i am, playing with control and affection, and in this whirlwind of trying to be vulnerable, but not wanting to be vulnerable, for fear of temporary physical placement…it’s an issue. a growing pain. a good one, in the sense that i have recognized it. but really, how do relationships work – this isn’t college anymore, this isn’t a situation to twitter about. it’s just really interesting to come to the realization that pursuing relationships will be a struggle, potensh. if i allow it.

there’s grace that i am recognizing in the experiences that i have been having so far in 2010. just experiencing new things, kinda even loving nature a little bit, and taking things with a grain of salt [especially in areas where i know otherwise, i would drive myself nuts ] i would also randomly catch myself laughing or smiling after having conversations with friends. i really like that. alas, 2010 is beautiful. life is beautiful.

it is the halfway point for CMC. we are halfway done with our first year of living life as a missioner, michelle’s halfway point as a 2nd year…and it calls for a cleansing. mary has started, and crystal is in the process. discernment retreat this weekend…should be interesting as these weekends always prove themselves to be. always blessed experiences. haha, i wouldn’t expect anything less!

mary, jesus, and the father. incredible and key to my life. needless to say, my ignatian spirituality 19th annotation retreat is going smoothly and i am loving it. not really much to write about here about that…just many realizations, and many visions and graces and understandings, and love for our mother, mary. and jesus, my friend. and the father, the one who brings it all together for me and my life.

and with that, peace. and stillness. and togetherness, and genuine desire to want to do good, and be good, and love well.

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